TBT – Angels and Demons (2009)

bullshit, dan brown, fucking awful, fucking stupid, TBT, Tom Hanks

It seems that I’m going through a bit of a Tom Hanks week this week. I can’t get away from the man. This week Michael Moore declared that he run for president in 2020; my Tuesday Review this week was his latest Robert Langdon film Inferno; and today my colleague told me she preferred younger Tom Hanks to younger Harrison Ford. Now, I’m not trying to criticise the man but there is no competition. Tom Hanks is Hollywood’s Mr Nice Guy but he’s hardly a fucking pin-up. Anyway, I decided to continue this trend by discussing another of the Dan Brown film trilogy. But which one to pick? A few weeks ago the Cinema Sins YouTube channel brought out a video describing everything that’s wrong with Angels and Demons and, weirdly, it made me want to watch it again. I’ve seen The Da Vinci Code a couple of times and it bored the shit out of me every times. As you may remember from Tuesday, Inferno hardly set my spirits alight so, by process of elimination, Angels and Demons had to be my favourite of the Robert Langdon trilogy. Although this probably has something to do with my love of Ewan McGregor and Stellan Skarsgård because you can hardly say that I love the film or the book. Still, I’m never one to ignore a craving so I spent last night reminding myself of what a travesty it really is.

Angels and Demons was the novel that introduced the world to Professor Robert Langdon but it was the second film to be released. Probably because it’s successor, The Da Vinci Code, had the greater social impact thanks to its subject matter. The Da Vinci Code was a slow moving and crazy thriller that hardly wowed critics so Angels and Demons needed to up its game. To be fair to Ron Howard, it did. However, adding more action is hardly akin to making improvements. As one reviewer pointed out, the first film consisted of Tom Hanks standing near paintings and explaining the plot whereas the second has Tom Hanks explaining the plot whilst running… because action. Still, at least it wasn’t boring. There is enough action, violence and explosions to ensure people stay awake. It does mean that, whatever meandering nonsense is also happening on screen, there is always something to engage with. Even if you ignore all of the other mcguffin, this film comes to down to the classic race against time to save innocent people from a killer.

However, for the purposes of this review, we can’t ignore all the other stuff. Angels and Demons may be a fairly decent action film but it shrouds itself in the same historical and religious mystery that The Da Vinci Code did. It’s still a completely nonsensical and sensationalist film that makes up for a lack of substance with nonsense and conspiracy theories. It plays on a base level and is far too occupied with creating drama than following logic. When Robert Langdon is asked to come to Venice he is faced with the task of tracking down the long hidden Path of Illumination that will lead him to a secret Illuminati lair. Along the way he must prevent the murder of the four Cardinals who are favourites to be elected as the new Pope and stop a vial of antimatter destroying Vatican City at midnight. You see?! It’s fucking insane.

Dan Brown is apparently incapable of writing a simple thriller which, if the recent spate of psychological thrillers to be released is anything to go by, apparently any idiot can put together. No, his head is too far up his own arse for him to realise that exploring religious history and creating intricate puzzles involving art isn’t adding anything to the whole story. It’s another of those stories that is fine if you just ignore everything about it but once you start to really think about it nothing makes sense. There are so many silly and implausible events in this film. It’s really irritating. People’s behaviour doesn’t make sense and there are so many moments where plans would have failed if people had acted naturally. It’s all so fucking convenient because, if this were real, it would be impossible.

The Dan Brown rule of thrillers clearly isn’t “simple is best”. He throws everything he has at it and leaves poor people like Ron Howard with nowhere to go when adapting it. Angels and Demons is nothing more than a cheap thriller that is elevated with its own pompous obsession with the Church and the secrets its hiding. To say it’s the best of the three films is like saying the imperius curse is the best of the Unforgivable Curses. Yes, its not quite as bad as straight up killing anyone but you wouldn’t recommend it to people. I just hope that the whole Dan Brown thing has come to an end now. He’s a low-rate writer that gained momentum because he pissed off Christians around the world. We gave him publicity and these shitty films are the price we all have to pay. Well done us.

TBT – Stargate (1994)

B movie, films, fucking stupid, sci-fi, silly, TBT

It was a fucking glorious day last weekend when I discovered Stargate had made its way onto Netflix. The 90s science fiction film that proceeded the television series is something of a cult classic starring the fabulous Kurt Russell and James Spader. I couldn’t wait to watch it. When it came out in the mid-90s, Stargate was pulled apart by critics. Some of the reviews are fucking brutal. None more so than the late Roger Ebert’s one star review. In fact the film remained on his list of worst ever movies for the rest of his life. Even before you watch it that’s quite a reputation. Any film that creates so much hatred from critics inevitably goes on to be a fan favourite. It made a shitload when it opened in cinemas and has become a confirmed cult classic. It’s nowhere near being a great movie but it does make great viewing. So much so that its welcome arrival on Netflix prompted me to abandon plans to discuss JJ Abrams’ Star Trek for this Throwback Thursday and, instead, allow me to spend some time convincing you all to give this one a shot.

Stargate differs slightly from the world we became familiar with in the television series but the basics are the same. There’s a fucking massive circle thing that magically transports people between Earth and a number of new worlds. It doesn’t exactly make sense but what kind of sci-fi doesn’t require you to suspend your disbelief at least a bit? The film introduces us to the mysterious stargate when Egyptologist Daniel Jackson (James Spader) is brought in to translate some hieroglyphs that a team of so-called experts have failed to figure out for a good few years. In a matter of minutes Jackson has figured out the translation and managed to figure out the code needed to travel through space. It’s a bunch of convoluted nonsense about constellations and symbols but you don’t really need to focus on that. All that matters is the mysterious circle thing works now.

Jackson and a team of soldiers, lead by the emotionally damaged Colonel Jack O’Neill (Kurt Russell), enter the stargate and travel to a weird dessert planet where reading and writing are outlawed. The group are, inevitably, split up and whilst the main cast meet with the locals the others are left to be captured in creepy pyramid. The locals live like Ancient Egyptians and have a very simple existence. They are fascinated by the visitors’ “modern” technology. Turns out, the planet is ruled over by the evil alien/God Ra who has enslaved everyone and has a magic machine that can bring people back to life. Seems weird that a group of people ruled over by an alien being can still be so amazed by a simple lighter but it’s better that we all ignore that.

Unfortunately, Colonel O’Neill brought a back-up plan in the form of a fucking huge bomb in case things went sour. Doubly unfortunate is the fact that the evil alien has got his hands on that bomb and is planning on blowing up mankind. Our heroes must band together with the oppressed masses to stop this evil menace. There’s also some stuff about romance, dealing with the loss of a child, and a lot of random coincidences that keep the story moving along.

Now this isn’t exactly going to set the world on fire but there is something fantastic about the story. The first half hour or so that sets up the stargate may be ridiculous but its certainly engaging. The film loses momentum slightly once Ra joins the party but what it lacks in coherence it certainly makes up for with explosions and fighting. Ra isn’t exactly the most imposing of evil figures but it doesn’t matter. After all, this is a film that is made by the performances of Spader and Russell. Despite the fact that this film is an undeniable piece of shit the two actors perform admirably in their roles. Most of the time they are forced to say some of the most ridiculous lines in the history of cinema but they do so as if they were speaking Shakespeare. It’s amazing.

Stargate is a fucking mess of a film that has been put together using plots and devices stolen from countless other films. It steals from the likes of Spielberg, George Lucas and every B movie sci-fi flick out there. It’s silly, illogical, and far too long. However, as with all films of this kind, there is something magical about it. The two leads elevate it to a level way above the one it deserves and the special effects, for the time at least, are something. Yes, you can’t take it too seriously or think to hard about the plot but you will go along with it. This film has such a steadfast belief in what it’s doing that you don’t really want to shatter its delusion about itself. Ultimately, it’s better to just go along with the madness.

Tuesday’s Reviews – Batman vs Superman: Dawn of Justice

Amy Adams, Batman, Ben Affleck, comic book, DC, films, fucking awful, fucking stupid, Jesse Eisenberg, meh, review, superhero, Superman, waste of time, Zack Snyder

I really don’t want to write this review. I’ve sat with it open ever since I got home from work and I’ve not managed to come up with anything. If I’m honest, I never actually wanted to watch this fucking film. I mean Man of Steel was just dreadful and proved that Zac Snyder really should have called it quits on comic book movies after Watchmen was only hated by a handful of people. Those of you who were around at the time of my review of the first of Snyder’s Superman films will remember that, aside from it being badly written and really fucking long, it wasn’t exactly complimentary. I just didn’t get Snyder’s vision for the most popular alien in the DCEU. Still, those photos of Ben Affleck looking super buff got me interested and I finally decided it was time to watch it. I was a big fan of the Batffleck before watching this film so it would be just like Snyder to fuck that up for me too. I decided it was right to watch the Ultimate Edition and, after a gruelling day at work, I sat down for a gruelling 3 hours of muted tones, smack you in the face symbolism, and terrible parts for women. Classic Snyds.

So Batman vs Superman was one of the most anticipated films of 2016 because it would show the first movie meeting of DC’s two biggest male superheroes. It promised the fight of comic book geeks’ fantasies and would pit the square jaw of Henry Cavill against the rockhard abs of Ben Affleck. Plus, it would introduce the world to Gal Gadot’s Wonder Woman, Jason Momoa’s Aquaman, Ezra Miller’s The Flash, and Ray Fisher’s Cyborg. After all, Batman vs Superman was just the warm up to next years Justice League movie. Kind of like Captain America and Thor were just whetting the audiences’ appetites before The Avengers came out… but with added good guy fighting. As long as the two titans both got into some sort of homoerotic penis comparison using their fists. Forget a good narrative or sensible structure, that’s what the fanboys really want.

Aside from giving us something in the way of the fight the title offers, there isn’t that much to celebrate in Batman vs Superman. The little there is in the way of story is all over the fucking place and is stitched together so weirdly is difficult to keep up. After all, pesky things like plot and character development only get in the way of large men fucking shit up. This is the kind of film where the ‘wakes up panting and realising it was a dream” thing isn’t a massive Hollywood cliché but a handy-dandy way to get out of a tricky narrative bind. Really it feels like Snyder filmed the fight scenes and then realised he needed someway to glue them together and hastily put some shit together.

One of my favourite reviews for this film described it as “a grown man whacking two dolls together”, which it essentially is. This is Zac Snyder acting out the games he played with his action figures as a child but with a fucking huge budget, special effects, and some crazily beefed men to help him. It’s action porn for those creepy little fanboys who left this film feeling that Gal Gadot’s outfit just wasn’t revealing enough. There is so much wanton destruction here that it leaves little room for actual film stuff. There is no attempt to create a coherent story or develop characters. Everyone is either dark and brooding, evil and brooding, or happy yet brooding. There are so many needless plot twists here that Snyder quickly loses control of the strands and just ties bits together whenever he regains his grasp. The editing does little to help with the confusion and the endless time jumps, flashbacks/forwards, and dream sequences are handled incredibly badly.

Batman vs Superman doesn’t even have the good sense to have a good sense of humour about itself. It’s entirely humourless and any attempts at comedy fall flat and stick out like a sore thumb. It just feels wrong and completely out-of-place: like making jokes at a funeral. This is perhaps the most serious blockbuster about such a stupid topic that has ever existed. You wouldn’t have thought it possible after the dour Man of Steel but Snyder has upped the darkness. By this, of course, I mean he’s got rid of the lighting and literally made everything darker. There is plenty of shadows to show you that evil shit is going down and more than enough close-ups and shaky cam to try to amp up the excitement. Then there’s the endless fucking lens flares. What is this? A fucking JJ Abrams Star Trek movie? One of the notes I wrote whilst watching this just reads “how can something be both dark and light at the same time?” because there is so much light in such a lightless environment. It’s all just ridiculous. This is a film that is all about the visual that it just feels silly. It’s like people who are too into fashion: they’re so much about style over substance that you just can’t take them seriously anymore.

There are a couple of things to love here: Ben Affleck is as good as I’d hoped as Bruce Wayne and I can’t wait to see his solo effort. I don’t think we really needed ANOTHER origin story but this was essentially Batman’s film. Not the greatest thing in a Superman flick but I’ll never complain about more Batffleck. Joining Ben on my list of good things about Dawn of Justice is Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman. She’s a great addition to the cast even though she really didn’t get any chance to tell her story. Then again, in this environment, maybe that actually helped her. Finally, there’s Jeremy Irons as Alfred. This Alfred isn’t the stuffy, wise butler we’re used to but is a hands on kind of guy. He’ll chop your wood, fix you gadgets, and listen in on your secret conversations. I think this could be a great partnership.

And that’s it. The only good things I can think of about this film. Lois Lane (Amy Adams) and, let’s face it, every other woman barely get a look in and exist only to get themselves into a position they need saving from. Lex Luthor is just every other Jesse Eisenberg character we’ve ever seen but with access to a spaceship. The brief glimpses of the other member of the Justice League are just absurd and completely unnecessary from anything but a marketing point of view. The script is awful: I’m still cringing over Holly Hunter’s peach tea speech. Too much terrible and unsubtle symbolism. Too many failed attempts at religious metaphors. And just too many twists to keep dragging things out. I’m so angry that I ever wasted my time on this shit. It should have been amazing. It could have been fun. I mean imagine what could have happened if these characters were in the MCU. It would have been unbelievable. Yes, it would have ended with something crashing to Earth at the end but it would have been wonderful. Dawn of Justice had so much potential but it just fucked us all. Zac Snyder basically pissed all over our dreams and then probably cut to us waking up panting and sweating.