I’ve seen a lot of those “Choose Your Quarantine House” things going around Twitter recently and I can’t say any of them have really appealed. There are plenty that just include the names of people I’ve never heard of and there are those that are just too niche for me to care about. Even the bookish ones aren’t really for me. They’re for people who think Hermione Granger and Katniss Everdeen are the standards we should set for well-written female characters (visualise my doing a massive eye-roll here please). So, I decided to stop waiting around and just pick my own damn quarantine house. I promised myself that it wasn’t just going to be a list of people I’m attracted to because that would clearly be my go-to. I’m actually going to try and think about people I could be okay being in lockdown with. People that I wouldn’t want to kill after about 5 minutes alone with them. Let’s see who makes the cut.

Dr Strange

Now, I know it looks as though I’ve already broken my one rule for this list. After all, I’ve made it pretty clear that I think Benedict Cumberbatch is at peak hotness in this role. However, this actually makes sense. Think about it. He’s a man who can conjure up portals to take you anywhere. I can’t leave the house because I’m high-risk. I  miss stupid things like walking and going to the supermarket. He could help with that so I don’t risk getting the virus. Either portal me directly next to the appropriate aisle and I can reach in an grab what I want or take me there after dark. Or just portal us to a deserted island/planet so we can live out our days in isolation but with the freedom to do what we wanted.

The Doctor

I don’t really care which version of the Doctor I get. I do have a slight soft spot for Christopher Eccleston and I love Paul McGann in general but anyone would do. This just makes sense. Now, I know we learnt in ‘The Power of Three’ that the Doctor doesn’t do well in captivity but we don’t need to stay there. I’m sure he/she would be able to make sure that I wasn’t going to infect anyone using technology. Then we’d be free to travel in time and space until all of this nonsense is over. Is it selfish? Certainly. Would it be worth it? Definitely.

Danny Butterman

You might be wondering why I’d be so keen to be locked up with PC Danny Butterman from Hot Fuzz. I have two words for you: DVD collection. Okay, so DVD isn’t a word but you get the point. We only see it briefly in the film but Danny has an epic film collection. I know you can stream everything these days but you want to be able to sit down and watch things with someone that passionate about them. You want to have a movie night with someone so invested in a film that they use the remote to reenact key plot points. Danny seems like a nice guy as well. I can think of worse people to be stuck inside with.

Rob Fleming

Okay, so maybe I do have a thing for John Cusack who plays Rob in the High Fidelity film but I’m not talking about film Rob. I’m talking book Rob. There are some slight but crucial differences between the two. Now, I can’t pretend to be completely up-to-date with modern music. I’m only just starting my Billy Eilish phase, which actually means I’m really into the song ‘Bad Guy’ about a year later than everyone else. But I don’t think that matters. Rob likes similar music to me but has a much wider frame of reference. So, I think we’d get on well enough and he’d introduce me to some great stuff I’d never heard of. Learning about music feels like a good thing to spend lockdown doing.

Sookie St. James

It’s a well-known fact the Sookie is one of the greatest fictional characters around. Sookie has a special place in the heart of all Gilmore Girls fans. She is super sweet, kind, and loyal. She’s also kind of a danger to herself but we’d have to take a chance I guess. And I know that I’d absolutely be leaving lockdown much fatter than I am right now but it’d be worth it. Plus, Sookie would be great for creating meals out of the random things at the back of your cupboards. Other people’s stockpiling is just a culinary challenge for her.

Liz Lemon

I’ll be honest, the people on my list so far have all been a bit too nice for my liking. I can’t be around people that are too sweet for a long period of time. It makes me feel bad about myself because I’m something of a sassy bitch. I know this and I embrace it. All of my friendships are built on our ability to say the worst things to each other and be okay about it. So, I need someone who can be as judgemental as I am. 30 Rock’s Liz Lemon is a fantastic character and I could genuinely see us getting on We hate the same things and I can totally get on board with night cheese. We’d just stuff our faces, bitch about people, and watch reality TV.

Tyrion Lannister

He’s the God of Tits and Wine. As if lockdown with Tyrion wouldn’t be the best thing ever.