Month: June 2017

Tuesday’s Reviews – Alien: Covenant (2017)

alien, films, fucking creepy, fucking scary, fucking wed, Michael Fassbender, Ridley Scott, sci-fi

Before I started writing this review I decided it was time to remind myself of Ridley Scott’s first prequel to Alien. I feel like I’m always having to defend Prometheus from people who thought it was a disappointing addition to the franchise. When I looked at the reviews I was shocked to see that a lot of critics gave the film moderate praise. I mean, yes, that praise was mostly for the aesthetic appeal and Michael Fassbender’s performance but I was under the impression that it had received more of a negative response. I, personally, didn’t mind the film. I knew going in that it wasn’t going to be another wild ride of alien escapes and craziness in space. So I went in with realistic expectations. The people that I know who were most disappointed by it are the ones who expected Ridley Scott to pick up where he left off. Before 2012’s prequel, Scott had only directed the original film in the franchise so there were fans who were hoping he would give us the same treatment that Sigourney Weaver got but a few years earlier. Instead, we went on a journey to discover humanity’s existence and find out where the Alien menace came from. The story wasn’t quite as slick as we were used to and, for the most part, Prometheus gave us more questions than it answered. However, it was still enough to whet our appetite for the prequel’s sequel. Although, there was always the chance that we would get another Attack of the Clones here. I mean nobody expected that to be even more disappointing to fans than Phantom Menace but then Hayden Christensen managed to take shit to a whole new level.

I admire Ridley Scott for making this film. I mean, he was responsible for making one of the single greatest sci-fi films of all time. Hell, I’d happily say that Alien is one of the single greatest films of all time. The last time I watched it I was still scared shitless and I know exactly what’s going to happen at this point. So, he could have bowed out gracefully and let that be his legacy. Instead, he risked pulling a George Lucas and decided to show us the background to a much loved classic. Now, I know a lot of fans weren’t too keen on Prometheus but, if you take away all of your expectations of a film in the franchise, it is actually not that bad a film. There is a great cast and an interesting, if slightly overreaching, narrative. It has fantastic visuals and attempts to solve the mystery surrounding the alien that caused so much grief on the USCSS Nostromo. I enjoyed it and, with every repeat viewing of the Alien: Covenant trailer, I was really looking forward to its sequel.

A sequel which appeared to go out of its way to make connection to both the original Alien and its own sequel Aliens. We are introduced to a colonisation ship, the Covenant, in the midst of its journey to a distant and habitable planet. When an accident causes a few issues, the crew are awoken from hyperspace and discover another habitable planet that is closer to their current location. Now, because the crew have never seen a science-fiction movie before, new Captain Oram (Billy Cruddup) decides it is worth checking out this mysterious, new planet. He goes against the wishes of his second in command, Daniels (Katherine Waterson) for the good of the audience. So we see most of the crew head down to the weird planet whilst a small minority remain to keep things in order.

Unfortunately but not unexpectedly shit starts to go down in typical Alien fashion. The crew starts to be infected by a weird spore that, strangely, causes creatures to burst from their bodies. Hmm, I feel like I’ve heard of that happening before. Luckily, though, David (Michael Fassbender) the creepy android from Prometheus, is on hand to give the crew his new expertise on the creatures. Turns out he became stranded on the planet 10 years earlier and has spent his time alone studying them. The scenes in which he takes Orman through his weird museum of Xenomorph skeletons is super creepy and just amazing.

In terms of plot Alien: Covenant still isn’t exactly as tight as Ridley Scott’s original but it feels as though it is reaching for something within its grasp. It attempts to answer as many of the questions that Prometheus left us with whilst getting closer to the structure of the earlier parts of the franchise. We see glimpses of both Alien and Aliens as the action moves from the wide open spaces of the planet to the confines of the ship. We have the inevitable nods to the very first facehugger and chestburster scenes but with the added gore of CGI. This film certainly pays fan service and will delight for nostalgia alone. However, it may still feel kind of empty to those who are used to this kind of thing. Just as Prometheus was a bigger hit with younger audiences, I believe those unfamiliar with the series will get a bigger kick out of these moments than lifelong fans. That doesn’t mean they aren’t worth a watch of course.

The problem isn’t that Covenant is a bad film; it’s just that it doesn’t feel new enough. People criticised Prometheus for being too dissimilar to anything that had gone before but this is starting to feel like a step back. The cast is great and, I have to say, that Katherine Waterson makes a much more convincing lead for the film than Noomi Rapace did before her. Waterson has more of the Sigourney Weaver feel about her and handles the character well. Michael Fassbender, in the dual role of David and his contemporary Walter, is still on fantastic form and is clearly having a blast making these films. The film, as its predecessor was, is absolutely stunning. However, there is something missing. The first Alien made so much of such a small concept but, since that point, the concept are getting bigger and less terrifying. I get that Scott wants to handle bigger ideas but, if this is to continue, everything needs a bit more clarity.

SUNDAY RUNDOWN – THAT’S WHAT SHE READ

book haul, books, currently reading, Netflix, recently watched

What a week it’s been here in the UK. With the results of Theresa May’s snap election coming in to prove that, in politics, nobody is ever really a winner. It was as good a result anyone who voted for Labour could have hope I think. Jeremy Corbyn was popular but there would never have been that much swing from Tory, UKIP, Lib Dem, or the SNP to get him the win. What he’s done is help topple the Conservative from their stronghold and show that the Prime Minister is a weak and unqualified leader. It’s still not a great time for us here as the DUP could severely fuck up a lot of things in their casual alliance with Mrs May but there’s talk of a slightly softer Brexit that takes into account the wishes of the people. So, maybe some good can come out of this? I just hope that we get another election soon and everyone who was so on the fence about Labour will see that there is potential there. A win for the Conservatives is a loss for ordinary working people, the NHS, education and our future as a society who values other people above ourselves. Under the Tories we will become a nation split between the selfish elite and those who can barely scrape by. It’s a scary world we live in.

Currently Reading
  • The 7th Function of Language by Laurent Binet
I’ve basically done no reading this week. I haven’t even listener to an audiobook. I wanted to start Lincoln in the Bardo but it never felt like the right time. I don’t even know what I’ve been doing instead of reading. It’s not like I’ve been watching loads.

Recently Purchased
  • Murder on the Orient Express by Agatha Christie (Audiobook Edition)
I know that Kenneth Branagh’s look for Hercule Poirot isn’t exactly traditional but I’m really looking forward to the film. I think it’s perfect for his style of direction and, if you ignore Johnny Depp, the cast is phenomenal. It’s not like the story will surprise most of the audience but it’s still a great tale. I’m going to prepare by listening to David Suchet, the one true Poirot, reading me Christie’s great tale.

  • The Power by Naomi Alderman (Audiobook Edition)

I know I already own the hardback edition of this book but I figured it couldn’t hurt to own the audiobook too. I like the idea of being able to listen to and read a book at the same time. It makes everything easier. 

  • Lincoln in the Bardo by George Saunders (Audiobook Edition)

This is one of those books that was being recommended by everyone for books to read this year. It never felt like the kind of book that I would get myself to read. Then I saw the cast of the audiobook and couldn’t resist. It’s incredible. I couldn’t possibly name everyone here but it’s woth checking out.

  • How to be a Vigilante by Luke Smitherd (Audiobook Edition) 

This was one of Audible’s deals of the day and it sounded fun. An 18 year old decides to become a vigilante in 1998. This is his part diary and part self-help guide. I imagine it’ll be a bit like kickass but without the swearing young girl. 

Recently Watched
  • Netflix binges: OITNB
So I’m sure I’m not alone in this but the return of OITNB to Netflix for it’s 5th season was a moment of great joy. I watched the first 4 series in one go because it took me so long to get round to it so the wait was pretty painstaking. That’s the problem with binging. You forget that good things come to those who wait. So I started watching as soon as I was home from work and I finished after work yesterday. It wasn’t quite as good as I was hoping but there were some good moments. It just felt too jumbled and messy. I’m sure there was a better way to structure it. Still, I’m looking forward to the next series. We definitely need more Suzanne next time.
  • Alien: Covenant
I finally got round to seeing this and I’m ready to talk about it on Tuesday.

TBT – Sliding Doors (1998)

films, gimmicky, meh, review, rom-com, shagging, TBT

I was sorely tempted to put off this TBT post and do it tomorrow. Today was the General Election and, as I was working from 9 until 630, I decided to go before I set off this morning. That’s fine in principal but, as always happens on such occasions, I got caught in a YouTube cycle last night and went to bed far too late. I’ve been walking around like a zombie for most of the day because of the lack of sleep. I managed quite well but there was a point this morning when I dropped pretty much everything that I picked up. Something that would be quite funny were I part of the circus or in some kind of farce but less useful in a kitchen setting. Still, I am determined to finish this tonight and get to bed, relatively, early. I’d love to stay up and wait for the results to roll in but, as vital as that seemed back in my early twenties, now I’m nearly 30 it seems utterly stupid. Especially when I’m starting work at 7 tomorrow morning. I don’t have time for that… Dimbledore or no Dimbledore.

When The Versions of Us first came out pretty much every article and review about it referenced Sliding Doors. I’m not saying it doesn’t make sense but it always felt like kind of an obvious comparison. It’s as inevitable as the moment when anything that is set in space is compared to Star Wars. Yes, both are about the concept of different timelines and the importance of one moment on your future but that doesn’t mean they are obvious partners. Still, if was good enough for those guys then I feel like it’s fair to talk about that 1998 romantic-comedy for today’s TBT post. It helps that I have a bit of soft spot for the film thanks to my undying love of John Hannah. He’s lovely and Scottish. And he’s made more than enough terrible films better just by being on screen. Okay I’m mainly talking about this one, The Mummy series and Four Weddings and a Funeral but I’m sure there’s more I haven’t seen.

When it comes to Sliding Doors I have 2 strong memories of the film. Number 1: a very good friend of mine absolutely loves this film so I’ve always felt the need to bite my tongue about it. Number 2: Gwyneth Paltrow is made to say the word “shagging” over and over again in order to convince people she’s British. More than anything else, I think it’s the use of the word “shagging” that really pisses me off about Sliding Doors. It’s one of those awful British stereotypes that Americans have but, in actuality, is a stark contrast to the way people speak. Of course, it could be a 90s thing; I was only 10 when this film first came out. Although, I’m still fairly certain people didn’t use the word “shag” in the many varied contexts that Gwyneth Paltrow does.

Anyway, it’s hardly the most important thing about the film. That is the gimmick that we see the two difference paths that Paltrow’s PR Exec, Helen, could take depending on whether she does or doesn’t make it onto The Tube on time. As gimmicks go it’s pretty interesting and it is quite fun to see the two versions of Helen lives play out alongside the other. In the first, she makes the train and gets home to discover her boyfriend cheating on her. This pushes her into the path of the charming and silly, James (John Hannah), who encourages Helen to move on with her life and pursue her dreams. In the second, Helen doesn’t find out and lives in blissful ignorance whilst bankrolling her boyfriend’s infidelity working two jobs.

You see, Sliding Doors, above all else, is a fairly bland romantic-comedy with a gimmick that raises it above the rest but that only succeeds because of its cast. It is an imaginative take on a tired genre but there still isn’t a great deal of creativity. A woman leaves her cheating man and gets a new haircut in one strand whilst she remains dowdy and brunette in the other. This doesn’t try and use the premise for anything interesting or deep. It’s literally just about which man she ends up with. It’s a rather shallow narrative that is able to hide behind its charming cast and feel like a much better film. Really, as I’ve always sort of suspected, it’s nothing I should waste time with. It’s a shagging travesty.

TOP 10 WEN-SDAY – TOP TEN MOST IMPORTANT QUOTATIONS FROM HARRY POTTER

anniversary, books, Harry Potter, inspirational, J K Rowling, list, quotations, quotes

So, anyone who follows my Instagram will have noticed that I recently took possession of the 20th Anniversary editions of The Philosopher’s Stone. I now own 8 different editions of the book, thanks to my four House paperbacks and Ravenclaw hardback, but I’ll probably end up caving and buying the other 3 hardbacks. On June 27th 1997, Harry Potter and the Philopsopher’s Stone was first published. I didn’t read it until a year later but it is a date that remains an important moment in my life. Whatever I think of the series now, the Harry Potter books had a huge impact on my life. I loved them. I obsessed over them. I even, in my more misguided moments, wrote fanfiction about them… secret fanfiction that nobody else ever read but still. However, over the years I’ve kind of grown a bit cynical and have a lot of irritation for certain aspects of the series. Most importantly is the number of people who pick up on specific quotes and spout them like their philosophy. Things like “Always” and the endless number of Albus Dumbledore quotes are infecting my social media whilst there are so many important quotes just being ignored. Quotations that actually have something to tell us about humanity instead of just regurgitating the usual guff and nonsense that Dumbledore is so fond of. So I decided to put together 10, admittedly this isn’t really an indication of my top 10, that should be given more respect. If I’m being honest, this post comes after deciding that doing a Top 10 characters from the series would just be the top 10 characters in Harry Potter that I’d be most likely to sleep with, which is really unhelpful and, more important, probably quite shameful. This feels safer.


Ten: “Ah, music,” he said, wiping his eyes. “A magic beyond all we do here!” Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone

I know there is a section of Tumblr who eat up Dumbledore quotes likes they’re sweets but I’ve always found most of his oft quoted lines to be fairly trite. All of the most famous ones are just the kind of stupid hipster nonsense that were created just to end up on top of a black and white photo of a landscape or some shit so you could post it on social media and pretend to be deep. However, there are some of his lines that I can’t help but adore. The first being this one. I come from a musical family and it’s always been an important part of my life. Music is a universal concept that anyone can enjoy and appreciate, regardless of background and stuff. I love that this all powerful wizard appreciates it for the awesome thing it really is.

Nine: “Not my daughter, you bitch!” Molly Weasley, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

If ever you needed a quote to sum up the unflinching love of a mother for her children then it’s this. Molly Weasley spends most of the novels being the kind but dowdy mother stuck in the Burrow. She fusses and she berates her family but she is, most importantly, the most loving and generous person we ever meet. Then, she gets in the middle of a battle and she becomes a fucking powerhouse. When her daughter is threatened she springs into action, like a lioness protecting her cub, and destroys Voldemort’s right-hand woman. This is a testament to mother’s everywhere and a reminder not to judge people on their appearance alone.

Eight: “Really Hagrid, if you are holding out for universal popularity, I’m afraid you will be in this cabin for a very long time” Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Yes, I know that, despite what I said about Dumbledore, this is another quote from the Hogwart’s Headmaster. However, this quote seems more fitting in this age of social media than ever before. We care too much about what other people think about us when we should just live our lives as we want. We waste so much time in trying to be the person we think everyone else wants us to be and we miss out on life. It’s a lesson to us all to just stop giving a shit.

 Seven: “No good sittin’ worryin’ abou’ it,” he said. “What’s comin’ will come, an’ we’ll meet it when it does.” Rubeus Hagrid, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Rubeus Hagrid is often overlooked in the quotes stakes if you ask me but he often has some remarkable and important things to say. This is an important quotation for life in general: we all know what’s going to happen to us but if we let that affect us what kind of life will we have? The most important thing to do is live. Hagrid is a fucking philosopher.

 Six: “If you want to know what a man’s like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals.” Sirius Black, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

A very wise and valid point. It’s not about how people treat the ones they have most in common with but the ones that they differ from. We all need to treat everyone with respect and realise that we are all the same deep down.

Five: “Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it.” Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Okay, okay. Albus Dumbledore is the most quotable of Harry Potter characters but I still maintain that his most famous ones are actually a bit vacuous and cliched. This one is full of truth. Life sucks. We will feel pain throughout our life and the worst thing we can do is ignore it. Keeping the hurt locked away will only make it worse when you finally let it out. Humans are too afraid to face their pain but, as Dumbledore points out, it is the best thing to do in the end.

Four: “We are all human, aren’t we? Every human life is worth the same, and worth saving.” Kingsley Shacklebolt, Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows

Erm… duh. This quotation probably resonates more at the moment because it’s the night before the surprise General Election here in the UK. We’re at an important political precipice where we decide if we want to be a nation for the elite or for the majority. JK Rowling has always been a supporter of equal rights for everyone and it’s important that this quotation comes from the best example of a magical politician that we see in the books.

Three: “You sort of start thinking anything’s possible if you’ve got enough nerve.” Ginny Weasley, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Another quotation that is actually really important in the real world. Ginny talks about how growing up with Fred and George has affected her outlook on life. She is telling us that, if we only believe in ourselves, then we can achieve great things. It’s not about ability or skill but about self-belief. Nothing else matters but how we see ourselves.

Two: “I am what I am, an’ I’m not ashamed. ‘Never be ashamed,’ my ol’ dad used ter say, ‘there’s some who’ll hold it against you, but they’re not worth botherin’ with.” Rubeus Hagrid, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Good old Hagrid, eh? The reason this quote resonates more is that it is said in such a Hagrid way. He has such a simple and straightforward way of speaking that he just gets right to the point. This reminds me of the Tryion Lannister quote from A Game of Thrones (you know the one: “Never forget what you are, for surely the world will not…”) except it’s much more practical. Fuck the people who don’t accept you for who you are. They’re not worth it. People always underestimated Hagrid but, deep down, he was just a kind and loving being. This quote sums him up better than anything.

One: “Words are, in my not so humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic, capable of both influencing injury, and remedying it.” Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

As if I could pick any other quote. This is the most truthful thing I’ve ever heard. Obviously, as a book lover, I believe that words have the power to influence people in many ways. Get the correct sequence of words and you’ve created something effortlessly beautiful. Words aren’t something that everyone has a mastery over but they should be our greatest treasure.

Tuesday’s Reviews – The Versions of Us by Laura Barnett

books, marriage, meh, multiverse, romance

This is one of those books that I’d seen all over Instagram but never thought I’d read. Call me a snob if you wish but I’m always a bit wary of books that have been endorsed by Richard and Judy. I mean they don’t have a great track record of picking out the literary greats. It also just seemed like the sort of romantic-comedy kind of shit that I try and avoid. I don’t wish to insult anyone who loves a piece of chick lit but I can’t put up with the cliches and the idealism that is central to the plot. It’s all very dreamy and not very realistic. Still, when happening upon a Kindle deal I bought the eBook and, later, decided to buy a cheap copy of the audiobook. I guess I still didn’t have any real plans to read/listen to it any time soon but it was comforting to know it was there if I ever needed an easy read. Then, without any warning, I became obsessed with Audible so when I finished Norse Mythology last week I was desperate to start another one. I randomly picked this out of the ones I have mostly because it was the shortest but also because I like having a copy of the book to go alongside it. So I still wasn’t exactly going into this full of anticipation and excitement. I was hardly open-minded but I figured it couldn’t possibly be the worst thing I’d ever read. Especially considering some of the shit I had to read at university.

The multiverse theory creates a, literally, endless supply of narrative possibilities. I mean when you accept that there exists an infinite number of parallel universes then you have so much more room to play with. I am, personally, kept awake at night that, in all probability, there is a least one timeline in which Bradley Cooper is a double Oscar winner. It’s a terrifying thought. It is an idea that has fascinated storytellers for years and Laura Barnett is just the latest to utilise the multiple timeline gimmick for her debut novel. She is essentially pulling a Sliding Doors but, ingeniously, amps up the drama by adding a third timeline for shits and giggles.There’s also more than a hint of One Day in there because why borrow something from one well-known source when you can just keep piling allusions on top of it?

The Versions of Us revolves around the lives of Eva and Jim two students who are both attending Cambridge university in the late 1950s. One afternoon Eva is hurriedly making her way to a tutorial to hand in her essay on TS Eliot. It is this moment that causes her future to split off into, in this case, 3 separate timelines. In the first, her bike gets a puncture and Jim is on hand to fix it for her. The pair fall in love, get married and settle into post-university life. In the second, the bike remains in tact, the pair miss their chance and head towards alternative partners. In the final instalment, the pair fall in love until an unforeseen circumstance forces Eva to let her love go. The novel then splits between the 3 strands as their lives move on and the pair age.

Now, I admit that I found the premise kind interesting in the same way that anyone would. As human beings we can’t help but wonder “what if?” We’re always wondering how different our lives would have been if one tiny little detail had changed. So it seemed like an interesting concept and Laura Barnett does quite well at executing it. She picks key moments in her protagonists lives and shows them from the perspective of each timeline. The perspective swaps between Eva and Jim at every change. Barnett juggles her three strands quite well and keeps fairly good control over whats going on.

However, I found the whole switching around thing a huge faff quite early on. I understand why we need to see things from both Eva and Jim’s perspective but the constant switching of voices and timelines just got supremely irritating. The constant jumping also works against the narrative because, although the short chapters are easy to get through, it doesn’t allow much time to get to know anybody. We see such tiny snippets of the characters’ lives that we get bombarded with information without any real room to breathe. The novel ends up feeling unsettled and kind of shallow. We’re just jumping from one brief moment to the next and not really getting a sense of a full life. At least One Day felt slightly less rushed because it was only dealing with 2 lives and not 6.

I think Barnett’s debut is a very confident one and I didn’t really dislike her writing. What I did dislike was the basic concept, which is a problem. It doesn’t feel substantial and just falls into cliches from the opening page. You can guess the kind of problems that will end up filtering into the lives of both Eva and Jim and guess what trajectory their future will take. I also find that the different timelines are all very simplified. I wish there had been greater differences between them all. It’s all very neat for the structure to have characters die at the same time and in the same way in each version but it doesn’t feel very realistic. I needed more difference between the 3. Also, it really relies too heavily on the concept of soul-mates and destiny for my liking. I’ve never been a big believer of one person having that one person who is perfect for them but, despite not giving us any real reason to explain why, The Versions of Us expects us to believe that no matter what Jim and Eva are destined to love each other in one way or another. It feels kind of childish to me.

I also find myself quibbling at certain historical aspects that don’t seem quite right. Some anachronisms that just didn’t sit well with me. Although this kind of feels beside the point, it’s these little details that make the overall feel of this book sloppy. Still, I can’t say that I didn’t enjoy the stories and I did find it easy to carry on to the next chapter. Although, this could have more to do with the short chapter lengths. I do have to say, after reading a GoodReads review moaning about the ending, that I liked the way the stories all ended abruptly. There shouldn’t be any real ending because that’s not life. I could have done with more detail and greater attention to detail but The Versions of Us is a good read for what it tries to do. Whether it should have tried it subject to debate but the end result isn’t terrible.

SUNDAY RUNDOWN – THAT’S WHAT SHE READ

book haul, books, currently reading, Netflix, recently watched

Today I’ve spent the day trying to sort my life out… or at least my room. Although, I’ve spent most of the afternoon cleaning and moving things around and I don’t think I like it. Basically, I have too much stuff and I’m trying desperately to declutter. It’s so difficult when I’m a hoarder at heart. I have books that I’ve not read for years and mementos from trips I’ve long forgotten that I just won’t get rid of. And don’t even get me started on how many bloody mugs and tea cups that I have. Anyway, I’ve been as brutal as I ever really get and have moved things around. My only problem now is that my playstation is further into my room meaning the WIFI signal is even weaker. I know this is a first world problem but how the hell am I supposed to watch Netflix for hours at a time now? God, what am I going to do? Read?!

Recently Finished

  • The Versions of Us by Laura Barnett (Kindle edition)

I still find it a bit dodgy counting finishing an audiobook as a “recently finished” but it’s a book so it must still count. Right? Anyway, in lieu of anything else to review on Tuesday I’ll be talking through my thoughts then.


Currently Reading
  • The 7th Function of Language by Laurent Binet
Still not further on with this. Still kind of pissed off at myself for it. How I have become so obsessed with audiobooks all of a sudden? I used to hate the damn things.

Recently Purchased
  • Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone by JK Rowling (20th Anniversary House Editions)
I preordered a load of these House covers ages ago and they finally got released this week. I now, as my sister helped me realise, own 8 copies of this book. I decided I had to get both the paperback and hardback Ravenclaw because of House loyalty. Then, a few weeks later, I caved an ordered the rest of the paperbacks. I know it’s really bad but they are so pretty and I’d hate to miss out on them. And, I’m not going to pretend that I haven’t already added all of the other Hardbacks to my Amazon cart and am waiting til it’s an appropriate time to order them too.

Recently Watched
  • Netflix binges: Episodes, Jumaji, Austin Powers in Goldmember
I don’t think I’ve been watching much Netflix recently. I’ve replaced my bleary eyed morning viewing with an audiobook and I’ve not seemed to watch much in the evenings. Still, I decided it was time to catch up with the two series of Epsiodes that I’d missed and rewatch a couple of films from my youth. I don’t know why but as soon as Netflix advised me that the third Austin Powers film was now available I was hit with a wave of nostalgia. So I had to watch it.

TBT – Stardust (2007)

films, fucking sweet, Mark Strong, meh, Michelle Pfeiffer, Neil Gaiman, review, Ricky Gervais, Robert DeNiro, rom-com, romance, TBT

When it comes to romantic comedies I can’t say that I’m a huge fan. I’m much too cynical and, if we’re being honest, it’s all been done a thousand times before. Boy meets girl. Boy tries to make girl fall in love with him. Stuff happens. Happily ever after. I just never find it an incredibly inspiring to sit down and watch them so I avoid them. However, if ever there was going to be a writer who could change my mind about the whole concept it would be Neil Gaiman. Gaiman is the much loved fantasy, horror, science fiction, anything else you can think of writer who has penned such notable works as The Sandman comic book series as well as numerous novels and short story collections. Stardust is, in a way, Gaiman’s own The Princess Bride  (incidentally, this is one of the few romantic comedies that I genuinely adore). Now, I’ve made it pretty clear that I’m a fan of Neil Gaiman’s writing and I would recommend his books to anyone. His writing is like magic. There’s nobody quite like him. Yet, I’ve never really been a massive fan of any adaptations of his work. Well, that’s not quite true. I like them but I can’t say I love them. I could read and reread Gaiman’s work any number of times but I don’t think I’d ever watch one his films or TV shows more than once. Except maybe Coraline because that was fucking awesome. There’s something that just gets lost in translation and I don’t have that same connection with them. It’s why I never rewatched this film until I needed something to review for today… and it’s why I’m in no real rush to watch it again.

We’re all pretty familiar with swashbuckling romances, right? A handsome young man goes off on an adventure to win his fair maidens heart and must overcome all the obstacles in his way. Stardust follows that basic plot but gives it a decidedly Neil Gaiman spin. The plot, adapted from Gaiman’s original novel, follows Tristan Thorne (Charlie Cox) a resident in a quiet little village called Wall.The village has been named for the stonewall than runs along it that, legend tells, separates merry old England from the magical realm of Stormhold. Tristan has fallen in love with the beautiful but selfish Victoria (Sienna Miller) but is about to lose her to his rival Humphrey. Until, after spotting a shooting star in the sky, Tristan promises to bring his love the fallen star in exchange for her hand. Unfortunately, this means a trip beyond the wall and into the unknown.

It also turns out to be rather difficult as the star has turned into a stubborn and sassy young woman, Yvaine (Claire Danes) and Tristan has a hard time persuading her to come with him. Then you have the added problem of a trio of witches, headed up by the vicious Lamia (Michelle Pfeiffer), who want to track down the girl, eat her heart and receive immortality. Finally, as if that weren’t enough, Yvaine has taken possession of a ruby that belonged to the recently deceased King of Stormhold (Peter O’Toole) who has declared that the first of his make heirs to find the stone will be the next rightful ruler of the land. All parties end up chasing down the hapless pair as they slowly make their way back to Wall before Victoria’s birthday.

That’s the main problem with Stardust really. There is a lot going on and it all gets a bit haphazard on screen. The plot manages to stay fairly faithful to the book but, in a desire to manage this, everything moves quite quickly. It gets pretty confusing and there are some liberties that are taken to ensure that some sort of narrative structure exists. Things don’t naturally fit into place and there are several awkward moments that are intended for the sole purpose of holding things together. It’s a tad messy and could easily have been fixed with a bit of careful editing.

There are plenty of star studded cameos throughout the film with supporting characters popping up to play their small part in Tristan and Yvaine’s epic journey. It is an inspired cast but some of these moments just feel unnecessary or uncomfortable. By far the best and the worst is Robert DeNiro as Captain Shakespeare, the man in charge of an airship that farms lightening. Though he has the reputation of a fearsome pirate, Captain Shakespeare is a campy relic that should have been left in the 70s. As fun as DeNiro is in the role his performance just feels a bit like an outdated relic.

Aside from that we have turns from fantastic British comedians and comedy actors which work in varying degrees. The ghosts of the the Kings dead sons, all of whom have fallen in the family tradition of brother killing brother in the race for succession, just about work as they hang around like Hamlet Snr. and weigh in on their siblings failures. Ricky Gervais’ time on screen just seems like a desperate attempt to let him be the same character he always plays. I could have done without it. Ultimately, it feels as though the sheer number of famous faces is a bit of a gimmick and it just adds to the already complicated nature of the film.

It tries desperately to let the narrative survive but it comes at the expense of good storytelling. There are obvious comparisons to The Princess Bride and the work of Terry Gilliam but Stardust neither has the original of Gilliam nor the heart and soul of Rob Reiner’s great romantic adventure. Stardust is a sweet and perfectly enjoyable film. There are some great moments and, thanks to Pfeiffer and Mark Strong, couple of incredible villains to amp up the tension. However, it loses itself in the scope of what it is trying to achieve. It’s trying to be a bit of every genre it can think of and it tries to flit between drama and comedy without any real thought. It’s silly but neither it’s not quite silly enough. It’s scary but not quite scary enough. It’s romantic but not quite romantic enough… oh, you get the idea. It’s not a bad film. It’s just not a great one either. I mean, it’s not a great sign when the thing I love most about this film is the Take That song that plays over the credits.