It’s the start of November and that can only mean two things. Number 1: Christmas shit will start appearing in every shop and adverts will start talking about presents and Turkeys. Number 2: The Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them film is coming out in a matter of days. Now, I can’t say that I was too pleased to hear that it would lead to a series of 5 films because it feels like a shameless money grabbing scheme but I am excited about the first one. I have such love for Eddie Redmayne that I can’t wait to see him as Newt Scamander and it’ll be good to expand the wizarding world beyond Harry Potter’s tiny glimpse. I, like every good Potterhead, have my very own copy of the Fantastic Beasts book along with Quidditch Through the Ages and have done since they were first released for Comic Relief way back in 2001. And, just like every other good Potterhead, I spent time devouring the book and wondering which of the magical creatures I’d most like as a pet. In honour of the upcoming film I decided to make it official but, as so many of the creatures are not exactly domesticated, I decided it was only fair to change the rules to creatures I’d like to see the most.
Ten: Unicorn/ Winged Horses
I don’t understand this sudden rise in the number of things you can buy with Unicorns all over them. I know Unicorns have been popular for fucking ages but it seems as though it’s got super serious in the past year or so. It’s not that I don’t like Unicorns or horses in general. I do. I learnt to ride when I was younger and I’d love to do it again. Horses and, by association, unicorns are great but a little bit meh. I mean when I took the Pottermore Patronus test and got a Piebald Mare I was probably as annoyed as Evanna Lynch was about being a salmon. I wanted something exciting and I got a fucking horse. I realise that Unicorns and Winged Horses are magical and great but they feel too normal to get really excited about.
When I was younger I was obsessed with cats. All I wanted was a cat of my own to cuddle with. I loved all cats but, as cats are massive dicks, the feeling wasn’t mutual. I didn’t get my own cat in the end but my family got a dog instead. It’s amazing how quickly I changed from being a cat person to a dog person but I did. I still think cats are great and adorable these days. However, it’s a truth universally acknowledged that dogs are just better. So if I were in the Wizarding world I wouldn’t be rushing out to buy my very own Kneazle. Especially one so judgemental that I’d be afraid of doing something wrong in case it went off me. I mean I love the idea that it’s like a kitty sat-nav but I’d be too worried it would think I was unsavoury to ever be comfortable owning it.
If there’s one thing Buckbeak showed us it’s that, when it likes you, a Hippogriff is a great thing to be around. Who wouldn’t want to fly around on its back like Ruggiero? It’d be a cool mode of transport, certainly, but I feel as though the Hippogriffs are a bit too standoffish. I’m pretty fucking stubborn myself so to come across an animal that’s as difficult to get onside as me would surely spell disaster. I’d rather stick with pets that would love me without me having to put the work in.
I realise that owning a Fwooper brings about the risk of insanity thanks to it’s repetitive song but I think it’s worth it if you can own a lime green bird. Since I first read the book, I’ve always loved the idea of owning a really colourful bird and using it’s old feathers as my quill. It’d be fantastic. And those patterned eggs it would lay? Well I’d just Instagram the shit out of them.
Why is this so high up the list you ask? Well, I have two words for you: dancing cow. I mean who wouldn’t want to meet this creature when the book makes it sound like a fucking anime character? A dancing cow with a pale grey body, huge bulging eyes, and enormous feet is the kind of character you could imagine cropping up in a children’s film by Studio Ghibli. It would be bloody amazing and I’d certainly be out every full moon to watch it strut its stuff. Plus, magical, silver cow dung that would make my plants grow super quick? Yes please.
I have to admit that the only reason this is so high on the list is because of the Pop Vinyl that was released of it to coincide with the release of the film. It’s so fucking cute that I almost bought one as soon as I saw it. It’s a fluffy, molelike creature with a taste for glittery objects. It’s not something I’d want as a pet but, if it’s as cute as the Vinyl figure, then I’d do anything to see one in real life.
I can’t say I’ve ever been bothered by ferrets and would not consider them as worthy pet material. The Jarvey, however, sounds bloody perfect. Though it looks like an overgrown ferret it differs in one respect: it can talk. But only in random, and often rude, rambling streams. I mean can you imagine anything better than a huge ferret that just sits in the corner and swears nonstop? I can’t. I want one.
As we all know, Ron Weasley was the proud owner of a Puffksein when he was younger. Unfortunately, his brother Fred used it for Bludger practice and it was never heard from again. The Puffskein is a popular wizarding pet and there’s a good reason for that. It sounds adorable. Not only is it custard yellow, soft and round but it loves being cuddled and thrown around. It’s like a pet and a toy in one. Plus, it really loves to eat so we already have common ground. I can’t imagine any greater feeling than hanging out with your Puffksein and hearing it make its contented humming noise. At the very least, I’m going to need some sort of film merch plushie to be released.
As I’ve already mentioned, I’m a massive dog person. Love them. I spend most of my time on Instagram watching and liking adorable videos and photos of other people’s puppies. It makes me miss my dog even more and wish I had another one. Dogs are the greatest pets you could have and I can’t imagine that a magical equivalent could be anything but amazing. Especially when you consider the fact that it’s a Jack Russell with a forked tail. Now that’s pretty badass. Plus, it would be really handy for getting rid of unwanted junk around you house because it’ll eat anything. Ideal pet.
I mean this one feels almost too obvious and I’m quite ashamed. Who wouldn’t want a Phoenix? I know my feelings on Dumbledore aren’t exactly in line with most people but you have to admit the fact he owns Fawkes is fucking cool. It’s a pet that you’d never have to see die because it would always regenerate. With fire. It’s like the Doctor Who of the pet world. Plus, handy in difficult situations. Phoenix tears to heal. Phoenix song to give courage and put fear into your enemy. It’d be great to have on by your side.