Ten: Bran Beyond the Wall
Ah season 5, how we miss your Bran-less ways. Bran has always been an irritating character. He moans, gets angry and mopes about more than he should. For the first season he did nothing of note but fall our of a window. Then we had the whole Theon debacle which gave him a bit more to do and gave more time to his great friendship with Osha. Then he met the world’s most boring teenager Jojen Reed. The whole trip to take Bran to the Three Eyed Raven has been so bloody time consuming. He’s done nothing but be carried through snow for years. Then when he got there the biggest reveal of the season was teased until the very last moment. The only reason Bran was really in season 6 was to reveal R+L=J and to reintroduce the undead Benjen Stark. His journey to become the Three Eyed Raven was just unmemorable aside from this. It, of course, doesn’t help that he also caused the most
heartbreaking death in Game of Thrones history.
Nine: Tyrion in Meereen
Now this is only as high as it is because nothing starring Tyrion Lannister could be described as boring. The guy is a genius and Peter Dinklage is amazing. Still, it can’t be ignore that Tyrion’s journey to and time in Meereen has been utterly pointless. All he does is get drunk, walk around and make awkward conversation with Greyworm and that chick who used to be on Hollyoaks. He should be doing bigger and better things instead of making the situation with the slavers even worse. I admit, the moment that Dany asked him to be her hand had me weeping like a baby. Aside from that, Tyrion hasn’t really done himself any favours since he swore fealty to the Mother of Dragons.
Eight: Sam and Gilly
There can be no doubt that Sam is the most adorable and kind character left in Westeros these days. He’s so pure and good that it’s nearly impossible not to love him. Nearly because, when all is said and done, he’s really fucking dull. Yes, he had that awesome moment where he killed wight with Dragonglass which was fucking awesome but, since that point, he’s really only been the soppy idiot travelling around the coutry with Gilly. These two have done absolutely nothing of note since they first met. I mean Sam fell in love with first woman he spoke to. Then we’ve just seen them making eyes at each other and go on a boat. It’s taking precious time away from better stories. Yes, it could get better now he’s at the Citadel but Sam and Gilly have added nothing this season. The whole sorry affair at Horn Hill was utterly pointless and, as gratifying as it was to see Sam stand up to his father, I could have done with more Brienne or something.
Seven: Gendry
I don’t really understand why HBO decided to make such a big thing about Gendry. Unless, I’m forgetting a whole section of the books, he wasn’t that important. He left Arya pretty quickly and was hardly relevant before that. In the TV show he obviously came to fill the void left by Edric Storm so the writers made it seem like he was important. We got all this build up to something great and it ended up quietly sailing away. I mean it was a massive set-up for such a fucking boring storyline with Melisandre and Ser Davos. If we were happy to ignore Edric then we should have been happy to ignore the need for obtaining King’s blood from one of Robert’s bastards. It really added nothing except the world of Game of Thrones memes.
Six: Jorah Mormont the lovesick puppy
As you should all know by now, I have an intense passion for Iain Glenn’s Jorah Mormont. I love everything about him and would happily move to Bear Island to be his Lady and wear fur coats for the rest of my days. However, it has to be said that most of his story has fast become nothing more than “oh I’m so helplessly in love with the Queen” moping. He’s so one note these days that it’s just boring. I preferred the early days Jorah who was trying desperately to get back to his home and would do anything to make that happen. It’s like the Doctor Who thing, romance just makes potentially interesting relationships more boring. This pair would have worked much better if it had been based solely on mutual respect. Jorah saw how powerful Dany was and decided to join her cause. Similarly, Dany could see how great a warrior and useful ally Jorah could be. It could have been a great Queen/Older Adviser relationship (like she had with Ser Barristan) instead of him following her round drooling and making puppy eyes. He’s better than that.
Five: Jon Beyond the Wall
I’ve always found Jon to be really boring. The only interesting thing about him was the whole R+L=J and even that wasn’t much of a mystery. Jon is the emo kid of A Song of Ice and Fire who sits in his room listening to MCR whilst the rest of the world are out sorting shit. He broods about every little thing and it’s fucking boring. So, when season 2 took Jon away from the much needed comic relief of his fellow Night’s Watch it made it even more apparent how dull and irritating he was. Also, how fucking useless he is. Letting Ygritte go and causing the deaths of all those Rangers? Smooth move Snow. Now, I know there is a lot of love for the Jon/Ygritte romance but, to be honest, I just didn’t get it. She was far too good for him and if I’d been her I’d have ended up with Tormund instead. Seriously, that guys a fox. This plot in the books plays out better because we hear Jon’s thoughts as he weighs up his true loyalties. He really thinks about joining Mance Rayder and comes to respect his ways. In the show we see him falling for the first girl who shows him some interest and waiting for the moment he can betray everyone around him. I hated every minute of this.
Four: Daenerys in Qarth
Dany Dany Dany, where did it all go wrong? I mean we know where it all went wrong: your husband died, you tried to bring him back and that started your unbreakable habit of fucking everything up. Getting stuck in the Red Waste without provisions was stupid and trusting the people of Qarth to take you in was even more so. The whole time Dany and co. were at Qarth was a fucking waste of time for everyone. It didn’t move her story along at all and didn’t get her any closer to Westeros. Dany spent most of her time shouting at people or wondering where her fucking dragons were. The only good thing about the whole sorry mess was her time in the House of the Undying. But one thing in an entire season does not make up for hours of “WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS!”
Three: Everything that’s happened in Dorne
Anyone who’s been around for a while may remember my Top 5 Female Role Models in A Song of Ice and Fire. Number 5 on that list were the Sand Snakes and Arianne Martell. They stood out in the books for their fucking awesome skills as a warrior and their desire to avenge the death of Oberyn Martell. So I was fucking excited when it was announced we’d finally see Dorne on screen. Unfotunately the Dorne that HBO introduced us to was nothing like the one we knew from the books. The characters were all weak and fucking boring. Prince Doran was just the naive and shitty ruler that he was pretending to be in the books. Arianne Martell didn’t seduce Ser Arys and try and kidnap Princess Myrcella. There has been no reveal of the Dornish pacts with Viserys Targaryen and no sightings of Quentyn Martell making his way to Meereen to try and wed Dany. What we’ve had is lots of talking and arguing in the Water Gardens and the sand snakes being played by fucking awful actors.
Two: Arya in Braavos
As I mentioned yesterday, I loved Arya Stark when I first read the books. She was a great character until she got stuck in the most boring story in the world. Something that is all the more upsetting considering she was starting her training to be a crazy, face-changing killer. I realise that every good warrior needs to be taught the tricks of the trade but this was ridiculous. We wanted to see Arya kickin arse not begging on the streets of Braavos. It was a boring idea in the book and, weirdly, even more boring on the show. We can only hope Arya has some more exciting things in her future.
One: Daenerys in Meereen
I remember first reading the books and having such high hopes for Dany. The journey she went on from being the poor little wife of Khal Drogo to being a fully fledged Khaleesi who meant business. From the moment she decided she hatched her dragons and swore to take Westeros the entire audience have been on tenterhooks. That was at the end of season 1. It’s taken 5 more seasons for her to even try and get back to her home. Instead, she decided to be a fucking idiot and stop slavery. I admit, that isn’t bad in principal but her whole storyline has been an example of the West forcing their beliefs on the East. It’s shown what a terrible leader Dany is and distracted her from the bigger picture. The whole Meereen Saga has been super repetitive with Dany trying and failing to keep the ex-slavers on side. Her new marriage barely registered and the whole dragons killing people thing was dull. Even her affair with Daario wasn’t enough to make up for the boredom. The end of this story was the best thing in Game of Thrones history.
Yipee ki-yay, motherbooker 