Monday Mini Rant – Candles

There are many things in life that make me feel less of a woman. My inability to understand and use make-up, particularly eyeliner, constantly makes me feel inadequate. The fact that I’m neither capable nor willing to spend time doing fancy things with my hair is just something I’ve come to accept whenever I read articles about supposedly easy Game of Throne inspired hair tutorials. The world of fashion is a fucking minefield and I’m constantly in danger (or more likely guilty) of blowing myself up with my misguided attempts to dress myself. I can’t walk in heels, I don’t worship the ground Beyoncé walks on, I hate romantic-comedies and I think Amy Schumer is incredibly overrated. So, yeah, I’m not getting many girl points for my day to day life. However, the thing that really sets me apart from a large number of women is my weirdly strong feelings about candles.

It seems to me that every time I go on Instagram I see someone posting a picture of a Yankee Candle or one of those bookish soy candles from Etsy. I admit, every time I see someone with a Harry Potter related candle I get a tiny bit jealous because, as a bookish person, I feel as though I should have them all. Yet I’ve never been tempted and that’s for a very good reason. I fucking hate candles. Okay, so I don’t hate candles but I find the whole process of lighting a candle and then sitting near it a hugely pointless process. I mean why does lighting a candle improve your situation at all?

I mean as a light source it’s fucking inadequate to do anything. You can’t read by candlelight nor should you attempt to do anything requiring any real attention. Maybe candles were a great invention when the only other light you could utilise came from the fucking sun. Now, we have a great many superior options with which to illuminate our lives. So what is this obsession with being so fucking primitive? Oh but it’s romantic and calming I can hear you all cry. Is it? Or is it not just incredibly annoying to have the reflection of a flame flickering on your wall?

Let’s think about candles in restaurants for a second. If I’m seated at at a table with a candle then you can bet I’m not starring lovingly into my companions eyes over the soft flames. No, I’m messing about with the melting wax and making a huge mess. Candles are just distracting and obtrusive. I like lamps. You turn them on and they do their job, calmly and quietly. Candles are too unpredictable and wavering. I like my light to be consistent.

Then there’s the issue of scented candles. I mean I get the idea behind it but most of the time the smell is just sickly and annoying. I lived with a guy at uni who always burned incense. He claimed it smelt amazing but it was just an awful haze of non-specific smell. Scented candles just smell artificial. You might as well sit in a cloud of fucking Febreze and have done with it.  I’ve never encountered a scented candle that has ever improved my nasal experience and I tend to leave rooms even quicker if one is lit.

Nowadays, candles only exist for purely aesthetic or olfactory purposes. It’s as pointless a thing to spend you money on as a bunch of flowers. Both of which are items that you buy to momentarily improve the look of your life only to watch it die before your very eyes. Every time you light a candle you’re forced to watch you money literally burn away in front of you. I’m not saying you only buy things that serve a purpose; god knows I’m more guilty of some outrageously frivolous purchases. However, to me at least, there is something even more senseless about candles. I’ve tried to enjoy them but I just feel fucking silly. I light a candle and spend the whole time thinking “why am I sitting in candlelight?” It seems idiotic. It’s just superficial. Why do people enjoy it so much?

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